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[May. 12th, 2006|02:21 pm] |
I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where. I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride; so I love you because I know no other way than this: Where “I” does not exist, nor “You”, so close that your hand on my chest is my hand, so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep. -Pablo Neruda
Dear J,
I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here.
Love Kristina.
I miss him a lot. And there's a hole inside of me I can't fill. I'd sell my soul to feel less lonely. It doesn't matter because even when I'm in love I'm lonely. It's just something I can' fix.
Everyone has a cross to bear, the thorn in their flesh, and I've got mine.
My crazy loneliness. What a combo! |
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| Prosperity |
[Feb. 27th, 2006|10:32 pm] |
I know that we should praise You even when we are in the depths of despair. And I want to so desperately. I want to do the good thing and show faith but I am so distraught right now.
Here goes. God I know You will provide for me as you have always done. I pray particularly for my family right now. They are really stressed out about the business failing.
I don't understand why You don't want this to work.
I'm not questioning Your ways...just acknowledging my lack of understanding of them.
I pray for my family because they are so sad over this...well my parents. This was their dream and they worked so hard to make it happen and now it's all falling apart.
I feel so bad for them. Why is this happening? I know you have different plans then we do for things but I'm still so very sad for them.
This is beyond me and my hatred for all retail jobs. Maybe this is a stupid prayer. I mean it's really materialistic. I prayed that the business would do well and it failed.
All of my prayers used to be answered but I guess you can't win them all. I haven't lost faith...not in You. Maybe just in myself. Was there anything I could have done to prevent this? Could I have worked harder? Or was it some sin that I did? Did I not tithe enough? I know this sounds really narcissitic but I feel like I am responsible.
I'm also a little upset because this was the only job I ever enjoyed. Sure I complained but I complain about everything. Should I have complained less?
God can't you pull some miracle to make this work?
I understand that we can't always prosper. I don't even want to be rich. I just really want to do something I enjoy. And I think because the business failed that now I will end up doing something I hate. Like working at McDonald's or Movie Gallery. I hated both of those jobs. This was the only one I enjoyed. I don't want money I just want to do something I don't absolutely hate.
God I know You are watching over us. I don't understand why this is happening but I know that you are there.
There is nowhere we can go to escape You and I am glad for that. If there was anyplace to hide then chances are I would try to find it and hide from you. But I know that you are constantly there watching me and so there can be no secrets between us. And I am so relieved for that. Because my entire life has been about secrets and lies. There is someone in this universe that I can be completely honest with. So in that regards I praise you and acknowledge that You are awesome in every way. And that's an overused word but you'll have to excuse my small vocabulary. I promise to boost it up a little so I can praise you even better.
But God I love You and I am so sorry if I ever doubt You. But really...was it something I did?
Can I change something so my parent's business doesn't fail? I would work for free if I could keep that job.
While I am praying I also want to ask you...to mold me into the person You want me to be. I don't like who I am...usually. It is hard to figure out what I was meant to do. And if I can be your servant I would be so happy. That I grow with love for you more and more each day. So that I will never stray from you. Make my heart steadfast. And my mind passionate for knowledge of You.
I apologize if the enneagram was a bad idea and since I don't know I would rather be safe and not sin against You so I will stay away from the enneagram.
I know that like You we must be holy AND loving. I hope one day to achieve that. Give me some direction. Do you want me to be in music?
I thank you that Shealah is finally showing interest in You. I know that my prayers and my mom's has gotten to You in that respect.
But please just lift my mom and dad up right now. They need comforting so bad. So do I.
I love writing my little prayers/letters to You. Because I know You are listening to me. The only time I feel like someone is really listening to me is when I talk to You.
I love You so much. I hope that I can show that somehow. Thank You for rekindling and interest in You. That You didn't let me stray away for too long.
And I thank you for redeeming me in everyway possible.
I pray that I am kept away from temptation and if I can't be kept from temptation that I have the courage and strength to fight with everything in me. Specifically from bingeing and sexual sin.
Thank You for telling us...You will never forsake us.
That is one promise I can keep in my heart when doubt starts to set in. I will always know one thing for sure and that is that You have never abandoned me. Not once. Not when I was in sin for years. You have always been by my side and You always will be. I pray that mom and dad also feel that way. So that they don't doubt. I know they have been praying for the business too...even now I still pray for it. If there is a way you could save it...I would love that. But your will be done and not mine.
Also there is the matter of the bible. What is the truth? Is the bible filled with errors? Or is it Your living word?
I love You. I just had to say that again. And I hope to never stop saying that. Let me love you with my whole heart and understanding and soul. That is what I want. And that I continue to pray at all times. Even in my sleep.
Give me the strength to praise Your name at all times even in hardship. Continue to give me discernment so I can judge what is right and wrong.
I pray for all of the other Christians out there who are struggling with their faith...or who are wondering why they aren't prospering...when they were told that they should be if they have faith. I pray for all of the saints out there who are martyred every day. Bless them. I pray for non Christians as well. That they constantly feel and know Your love. That you guide them towards making the right decisions.
I pray for Grandma Linda and Grandpa George. I hope that their health is well and I keep them in my thoughts. I love them and I know you do too. I thank You for the strength you have given me in resisting loneliness...I pray that my first love always be You... even if that means never getting married. I don't care because I want You first...always.
Above all please give me Courage. With a capital C. I need it so badly right now. I doubt so much and I fear all of the time over really dumb things. Thank You God. Thank You Jesus. I learned more about You tonight that I didn't know. I thank You for everything. Your immense sacrifice! Thank You! Now the veil is torn and we can have access to You. Thank You and I love You. Amen. |
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| lion and lamb |
[Feb. 22nd, 2006|02:07 pm] |
I will not leave you alone. You are mine. I know each of My sheep by name. You belong to Me. If you think I am finished with you, if you think I am a small god that you can keep at a safe distance, I will pounce upon you like a roaring lion, tear you to pieces, rip you to shreds, and break every bone in your body. Then I will mend you, cradle you in my arms, and kiss you tenderly.
Brennan Manning, Lion and Lamb
HoOlly smokes. I love it! Scary at first, but it's comforting to know that God is so passionate about us.
My pastor had this sermon where he said we couldn't escape God. We can't keep him at a distance. Which is something I do. I never get into something unless I know I can get out. I'm like Harry Houdini in that way I guess.
I've been pretty self absorbed lately. What are You thinking of me right now?
Sometimes I try really hard. Sometimes not at all. But You always convict me. I always have You to set me straight.
What are You thinking right now? |
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| prayers |
[Feb. 21st, 2006|06:05 pm] |
I sat and I prayed for a little while.
I let my whole heart pour out to Him. It was an interesting experience. Because in this prayer there were no words but only the deep sadness and fear that I felt. I sat there and prayed with all of my heart and no words. I always wondered how you could do that and I finally did.
He knows. I'm scared. I've been terrified my entire life. And it feels like it's never ending. That's what I wanted to say. But He knows.
I am an island. My fear has isolated me, and it will continue to do so. I am ashamed of being afraid.
I had some weird flashbacks today.
I saw myself digging into his side when we were caught by his parents. I was so young and I didn't know what I was doing. He was way older than me. What the hell was going on? He was trying to kiss me or maybe worse. I don't quite remember that part. But the awful part was that I wanted him to go on.
I was kissing a girl slightly younger than me. I had talked her into it...It was like I was repeating what was done to me. I rationalized it in my head. I was only 7 or 8. But I am terrified of that memory. Scared of what I could have possibly done.
I don't remember what happened to me. They say that I was a victim but I don't remember it. All I know is that I'm always scared. |
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